Perfect Form....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Mom, are these "gluten free"??

I'm sitting at the kitchen table testing my new AT&T's "Mifi" limits on my laptop. My 16 and 10 year old are sitting with me doing their version of schoolwork.

Translation: they are eating me out of house and home while they plague me with questions about when things were made and who made them just so I'd look it up for them on the computer.

I thought I finally had them writing and doing their "thing" when I happened upon a blog. It all started with "A Holy Experience",(http://www.aholyexperience.com/) where I went to see where Ann Voskamp is going to be speaking next. From there I jumped to the "Relevant conference". I checked out the speakers, ended up at Dayspring's website, drooling none the less.

That led me to happen upon Lisa Leonard Designs Blog.

Everything was going well. I read her first post.I even clicked on her video. It was, well, downhill in a good way from there.

I was already feeling like the worst mother in the whole world (still in my pj's but couldn't pull myself away from my laptop). My daughter had stomped off earlier after not talking to me over a laundry mishap. I said I was sorry. My kitchen table is full of....stuff. The living room needs dusting and vacuuming. The laundry that is taking over my hallway, and life, well, it's not pretty.

I started watching Lisa's video of her and her son at the beach. It's beautiful. I start crying, my 16 yr. old is wondering what the heck I'm watching, and leans over to see it. He's the only one in the house tuned in to my feelings at this point. I'm trying to hide behind my screen because I know, I just know if I let myself think about her, I'll lose it completely. It will be flood waters from here on out. 

She would be 18.....I got it wrong in church on Sunday. I said she'd be 17. That hit me hard because I never want to forget her. It felt like I did. Like I slipped somewhere, and forgot. I want to remember everything, but just once in awhile, because if I start remembering all the time, and to the fullest, it hurts so much that I don't think I can take it. Everyone says it gets easier with time.

They lie.


It just gets more frantic to not forget, then to try to not remember all at once and too much. THEN it really just hurts, like a punch to the heart.

I was just punched. But it's okay, sometimes that happens, and once you've been punched, you start to heal all over again.

And maybe a bit more healing occurs every time.

Then my 10 yr. old pipes up and asks "Mom, are these gluten free?" And I realize he's talking about candy hearts.


My world just started revolving again.

I need to go get dressed now and wash my face.

Here's the link to Lisa Leonard's "Happy Place" http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/

By the way, her jewlery is amazing.

Love, Me

1 comment:

Susie said...

I'm sorry to say that I've gotten behind in reading your blog. Just a few days ago someone sent me a message regarding choices you make in life. It's what you learn from your experiences and take away from them that determines who you are. We all have choices. We can judge and turn away or we can embrace it and learn, in some instances, sincerity, love, and compassion. Since this person paired it with a story about a small handicapped boy, who wanted to play baseball just like the normal boys, it made me think of Laramie and all the choices you and Jason made for her. I think from the beginning of her diagnosis, we all decided that we would give whatever it took to help, support, and love her... through what?... no one really knew what was ahead. It was difficult to say the least.

I remember so clearly the night that you and Jason dropped off the 4 oldest kids to live with us until... when?... no one knew how long. Laramie threw her arms around my neck and said, "I will always wove you, Gwandma"... she always had trouble with those 'l's & 'r's at just 5 1/2 yrs old. We were extremely fortunate to have her as long as we did. I give that to you and the children. There was always a child or 2, or 7, on the bed with her at home, watching a movie on tv, playing with her, talking to her, and just treating her like what she was...their sister who they loved with all their hearts. Our hearts break every year on November 19th and each time we think of her. But we sure learned allot of love and compassion from that little girl and we'll never, ever forget her. She was the most precious gift God ever gave us.